So I had a big decision to think about this week. My old boss asked if would be interested in going back to my old job. TOUGH DECISION! This new gig has been a major roller coaster for me. I like the work but there are other factors involved that make the new job incredibly stressful. And I'm talking crying-on-my-way-to-work-because-I-hate-it-that-much stressful. In the beginning things were so bad that I did reach out to the old boss and ask him for my job back. He told me that I was a great employee and always welcome back but he wouldn't be able to offer me anything until May. So I soldiered on, applied for a few other positions and did my best to suffer through. And lately, things have been getting better. I don't cry as much. I'm actually able to sleep better instead of waking up at 4 a.m. worrying if I handled something the right way and stressed that I'm going to get yelled at *again*. I've also received lots of compliments from not only my manager but managers from other departments. It took about four or five months but things finally settled down. I've been scared to admit it because it seems just when I get comfortable something else falls apart. I hate that feeling. You know... waiting on the other shoe to drop....

Anyway, I had put off thinking about May because I didn't want to get myself all excited about it. But this week Rusty texted and asked if I was still interested in coming back. I told him I had to think about it. I LOVED that job. It wasn't glamorous but it was easy and totally stress free. Rusty was an amazing boss and the guys I worked with were sweethearts. But, and there's a big but, he doesn't have insurance. And that's a huge deal. Even if he were to give me more money I don't want to have to deal with the private insurance thing. It's nice knowing that right now Tony and I can get sick or hurt and it will be okay. Luckily, I never had to worry about Darby because the state has a Medicaid program that we were eligible for since neither Tony or I had insurance through our jobs.

I've done a lot of praying and some more crying and I think I've decided to stay. If you had asked me three months ago if I would be giving up this chance I would've said you were crazy. But I have to be an adult. Like I told my mom, I'm basically weighing the stresses. Which is worse - the stress of no insurance or the stress of my new boss? Plus there are some other things to factor in like the new job has short term disability and better vacation/sick time and 401K. I used to do a lot of personal things while working for Rusty. I managed my bills, did a lot of online shopping, goofed around on facebook and updated my blog. No time for stuff like now and no opportunity since my desk is in a big open area and anyone can walk by and see what I'm doing on my computer.

And something else that has changed is my way of thinking. In the beginning when things were bad, I prayed that God would let me go back to FPOA or let me find work somewhere else. Then one day something clicked and I changed my prayer. I realized God wouldn't have let me take this job if it were a mistake so he must want me there for a reason. So I began to pray that God would give me strength to handle the work load (and my coworkers) and to help me succeed if this was the place he wanted me to be. And it was about that time that things got easier.

So I guess I'm staying. Dear Lord I hope I'm not making a mistake!